I'm Not Sure What This Is

So, in all transparency, this blog post title was a filler I put in last night so that I could place these photos and then write this post out at my desk after getting in early. So here I am, sipping my iced matcha and eating my matcha muffin no doubt starting my transformation into matcha in a human form, if I haven't already achieved that status yet by this point. I have two pages worth of blog post ideas and yet here I am, sticking with a filler title that kind of describes what's going on in my brain right now and has been for the past few weeks.

I'm not really sure what this is or what is going on or really what anything is anymore. That sounds super dramatic and also makes absolutely no sense, but that's where I am with things right now. If this were a YouTube video, I'd have a cup of tea and I'd have no makeup on and I'd be trying to explain what's been going on in my life in some vlog style format. But alas, my YouTube channel is dead and I don't think I'd have anything of substance to say.

I think I'm just in a rut. I probably shouldn't try to force myself out of a rut, but at the same time, I should probably try to do something besides just like, sitting here and staring at a blank page. Maybe this is just part of digging myself out of whatever rut I managed to get myself into this time. I talked about my writer's block last week and then struggled with it again this week, but hey, at least I got past that whole fatigue thing last week and am feeling fairly energized this week.

Pinpointing the cause for this shift in my mood and energy and like, desire to write definitely directly correlates to me going back to full time at work. I don't want to get into the nitty gritty details or anything because like, what's the point in that, but I made the decision to shift to three days a week for about two months and then recently went back to five days a week and it's kind of killing me?

I've never had a strong desire to work from home or create my own hours. I need structure at some point in my life or I will literally never leave the house. Like seriously. By the end of those two months, I stopped making plans with my friends who had more flexibility with their schedules so I could stay home, secluded from the world and just being entirely unproductive, truthfully. 

But at the beginning, I was getting shit done. Shooting (photos, not like, people...that should be obvious)(also not shooting my shot either), writing blog posts for the week or even two weeks ahead of time. Taking time to sit down and think about what I wanted to talk about rather than just fucking rolling with a blog post title that I wrote just as a placeholder the night before in the dark while I was two seconds from falling asleep. I just really had more time and got used to a little less structure, which probably did more harm than good for me but hey, it was a decision I had to make for me and now I know!

Since this inadvertently a self-induced rut, the only way out seems to be using my strength to hoist myself out of this hole I dug for myself and hope I still have the upper strength I did in high school. Thank you to my short-lived-ish softball pitching career. 

I still don't know what this is. Maybe it's a mental breakdown written out instead of expelling my body in tears. Or maybe it's just me trying to find my footing with being creative again. Feeling creatively stifled isn't really foreign to me at this point but it doesn't make me any less disappointed when it happens. I can't paint, I can't draw, I don't play instruments or sing, I can't act, so really, all I have to make myself feel even somewhat creative are my thoughts and words and right now my thoughts are just a series of question marks and all of my words kind of seem to just come out like garbage but not the good kind of garbage that I am as a person, ya know?

All jokes aside, bear with me as I basically teach myself the English language again and try to figure out what I'm doing. I mean, I don't really know what I'm doing in regards to basically, uh, como se dice everything. That's chill though. We good. EVERYTHING IS FINE. 

*sweats*

In reality, everything is fine. I'm healthy. I'm alive. The Jonas Brothers are back together. All is well.

Someday, and hopefully someday soon, my regular posts will be back and jazzed up and my sarcasm will be at an all-time high. But for now, here's another weird and melodramatic post about basically nothing because nothing is really happening in order to give me some inspiration to blog about.

I was talking to someone the other day about how my life didn't have any incredibly dramatic ups and downs as of late to add to a conversation but I suppose I'm okay with being on level ground for now. I have time for some highs and lows and might as well just enjoy a bit of average time while I work through whatever mediocre shit I have to work through.

For now, I shall drink my matcha, contemplate proof-reading this post or deleting it entirely and calling it a day, fixing my messy bun into an even messier bun before I get frustrated and just decide to wear it in a ponytail but then get annoyed that my hair is touching me so I put it back up into a bun until I either get a headache from it or realized I didn't flatten out and rogue bumps so it just looks like absolute trash and then rinse and repeat!

Ah, there's those run-on sentences I know and love!