My Realistic Workday Morning Routine

I am purposely not pre-writing this post. Shockingly, this decision did not come down to pure laziness or me forgetting at the last minute that today was a post day. This was a calculated move in an effort for me to write about my genuine morning routine while I'm going through it. So think of this as a live-blogging session on what I am doing on this particular weekday morning while I get ready to go to work for the day and then out for dinner with a friend afterward.

I do want to preface this post by saying that I pretty much do the exact same thing every morning at the exact same time unless I have like, a crisis or something and even then I think I'm still such a stickler for routine that I'd still just go along with it and just panic simultaneously. So, yes, this is specifically what I am doing on March 6th, 2019, but I can guarantee I'm going to do the exact same thing on Friday when I'm back in the office.

Now let's break this shit down by time! 

5:30 AM

First alarm goes off. It's "Slow Hands" by Niall Horan, still. I can't remember the last time I changed my alarm. I hit snooze. 

5:39 AM

Snoozed alarm goes off. "Slow Hands" by Niall Horan plays ago. I contemplate getting out of bed and decide that one more snooze will do me good. 

5:48 AM

Second snoozed alarm goes off. I hear the opening drum beat to "Slow Hands" by Niall Horan for a third time that morning. I finally decide that maybe, just maybe, now is the right time to get out of bed. And yet I still set a timer for 6 minutes so I can just enjoy the warmth for a split second longer before I have to emerge from my cocoon of bedding that should've probably been washed last week into my freezing room before I wake up before my radiator kicks on. It's a hard knock life. 

5:54 AM

My timer goes off. It is not "Slow Hands" by Niall Horan, but instead whatever the automated timer sound is on Apple. I finally decide that it is time to get up.

5:55 AM

I finally roll out of bed and search for my slippers in the dark because my floor is fucking freezing and I'm already cold because I'm no longer buried beneath my comforter. Once my slippers are located, I grab my BeautyBlender and head to the bathroom where I pee, wash my hands, wash my face, and then soak my BeautyBlender until it's nice and damp.

6:00 AM

I put on all of my skincare in hopes that I can look like a perfectly imperfect human who is still going to cake foundation and concealer on no matter how clear my skin is because I am garbage.

6:05 AM

I set everything up at my desk so I can sit down and do my makeup.

6:36 AM

Makeup is on. For a second, I debate whether or not I want to curl my hair and then remember that I'm a lazy piece of crap who will just deal with straight hair for the third day in a row. I spray some dry shampoo in my hair instead and suck it up.

6:37 AM

I sit back down and finish watching last night's episode of This Is Us. I don't cry this episode, but I'm sure I thought about it before every Hulu commercial break.

6:57 AM

I watch a Jonas Brothers clip from James Corden on Twitter while This Is Us continues because I am trash for the Jonases, okay?

7:02 AM

Emerge from my bedroom once again in search of sustenance and caffeine. I make my Keurig coffee with my beautiful Tim Hortons k-cups and pop a Trader Joe's bagel into the toaster oven and patiently wait until happiness ensues.

7:05 AM

I sit down to watch the Spill Your Guts or Fill Your Guts episode with James Corden and the Jonas Brothers while my coffee brews.

7:08 AM

While I am grabbing my coffee creamer from the fridge, I immediately curse because I realized I forgot to make my lunch again and cannot afford to spend another unplanned amount of money this week but then I realize I at least have some ravioli left that I can boil up so I do that and hope it is a sufficient amount of food for lunch even though I will no doubt pound some Goldfish (crackers, just wanted to clarify) at the office around approximately 2:00 pm.

7:10 AM

I take a seat back down at my desk, even though I desperately just want to lay back down in bed because I know twenty minutes is not enough time to feel relaxed so I'll never want to leave this bed, much like Adam Levine sang all those years ago.

7:25 AM

I finished watching the Jonas Brothers on James Corden and I feel a little bit empty inside. I take a sip of coffee and everything feels slightly better.

7:35 AM

I finally decide to look in my closet to see how many possible layers I can wear without being a marshmallow so I do not freeze on my inevitable walk to work because I hate transferring from the L at Union Square because Union Square Station is a hell hole and I don't like it.

7:45 AM

I am now dressed in two turtlenecks with tights underneath my pants in hopes that. I will store an ounce of warmth on my walk (I probably will not).

7:50 AM

I put in my contacts, put mascara on, and realize that my eye makeup is way too dark but it's too late to go back now so #YOLO.

8:00 AM

I rush out the door and strongly debate going back home and laying down.