Am I Too Much?

One word I would use above all to describe myself is none other than "extra." I'm a self-aware extra person and it's not something that I really try to hide, mostly because it's kind of impossible to do so. When you're as loud as I am, keeping that all contained is a feat that I've not mastered. I can only contain it for so long before it all explodes out of me in one fell swoop of word vomit, usually along the lines of NIALLHORANJONASBROTHERSILOVESHAWNMENDESNOAHCENTINEOWILLYOUMARRYMEIAMSUCHGARBAGEYIKESMOODSOMETHINGSARCASTICSOMETHINGLOUDBABYSHARKDODODODODOIONLYWEARBLACKBECAUSEITISTHECOLOROFMYSOULHEYDOYOUWANTTOGETMATCHAIAMASLUTFORMATCHAINEEDCAFFEINETOSURVIVEDONTSTOPMENOWIMHAVINGSUCHAGOODTIMEIMHAVINGABALLHEYHAVEIMENTIONEDNIALLHORANYET?

If you took the time to read all of that, bless you. You're the real MVP. But it's true, once I feel the slightest bit of comfort–or, alternately, discomfort if I'm feeling extra awkward–it's like something clicks in my brain to just Do The Most. This typically involves lots of off-kilter, random statements said for shock-factor or a ramble that comes out of my mouth so fast that even the Gilmores were like "what the fuck did she just say?" 

It's ironic, I once had a teacher tell me in third grade that she didn't know what my voice sounded like because I never participated in class because I was too shy and didn't really like to talk. The word "shy" was thrown around a lot with me, honestly until probably my junior year of college, or maybe even later. I guess I don't know when I transitioned from publicly shy to a public piece of loud-mouthed Italian garbage, but I think deep down I've always had these extra tendencies, likely stemming from my extra parents and my long-lasting relationship with the Jonas Brothers and fangirl culture (since 2005, baby!).

I'm not unhappy with myself or who I am. I'm not afraid to admit that I find myself entertaining and amusing. I think it's good to think positively about myself in that aspect. But sometimes I fear that maybe, just maybe, I'm a bit too much for...well...everyone else. Am I saying too many outrageous things that people are just going to get sick of my nonsense or scared away by some of the bizarre shit that leaves my mouth on a daily basis? Is my personality going to come off too strong when I'm courting men and ruin things before they even have the chance to start? Is my entire existence so off-putting that people can only take small doses of me?

These aren't questions that plague me endlessly all day, every day. It's just a thought I have some time to time, mostly in the moment right after I've let a slew of garbage spill out of my mouth in an attempt to be humorous when I'm around friends. I just get nervous from time to time (remember those deep-rooted teenage insecurities I like to bring up because they still haunt me to this day? Yeah...) about retaining friendships and being the "weird" one. I know it's silly and it's something that I hate that I do, but it's almost inadvertent. Actually, it always is. I would never go out of my way to think of something silly, but sometimes the worries just come in like a wrecking ball and you spend the entire half an hour after you hang out with your friends wondering if you pushed your nonsensical agenda too far and were being "too much" again.

I don't know if "too much" exists on a societal scale. Maybe I'm "too much" for certain people, but then maybe I shouldn't be in their life if that's the case. Not to be the total cliche Pinterest quote right now, but if you can't handle me at my most extra moments, then maybe you can't have my mellow moments either. I'm an introvert, I'm not always on. I'd get exhausted if I was! My mellow tends to outweigh my "extra" behavior anyways, so I feel like my worries are invalid and just kind of useless. Doesn't stop them from happening though!

This post is slightly a self-roast, but I'm happy to be who I am. Not to quote the Jonas Brothers, but I know we get a little crazy and I know we get a little loud and I know we're never gonna fake it. We are wild, we are free, we are more thank you think so call us freaks but that's just the way we roll.

Embrace your extra, y'all. Be who you want to be and all that motherly bullshit that actually rings pretty true. In conclusion, listen to your mother and STREAM "SUCKER" BY THE JONAS BROTHERS ON SPOTIFY.

Shirt: Bando

Jeans: Old Navy

Shoes: Matisse

Jacket: Forever21

Belt: ASOS

Sunglasses: Forever21

Purse: Saint Laurent

Photos by Emily Polner