Admitting My Flaws

I know it's really hard to believe, but I am not a flawless human. I probably come off that way on the internet what with my self-given nickname of Trash and all of the self-deprecating human I drop every four minutes somewhere on the internet or IRL. My shining personality has zero faults and my bone structure is impeccable and have you seen this body?

All jokes aside, as a run of the mill human being, I am flawed af. I mean, just ask any single person who has ever crossed paths with me or has tried to be my friend or like, my mom or something. She'll tell you all of my flaws and even more flaws that I didn't even know I had. 

(Edit: I've just texted my mom and asked her to list off my flaws and this is what she said: where do I start? )

This isn't meant to be a negative post by any means, but I'm always here for some self-awareness and calling myself out for my bad behavior just the same as I'm all for rooting for myself and giving myself pats on the back for the good things that I do.

A flaw that I constantly try to work on is my communications issues. Honestly, all we got from Harry Styles' debut album was that homeboy has some serious communication issues and I FELT THAT. We all know and love my terrible habit of not texting people back or at least not texting people back in a timely manner. My parents know it, my friends know it, my Tinder suitors know it. It's a bad habit I've tried to break but I'm just the type of person who reads a message, decides I'll answer it later, but never really specify to myself what exactly "later" means. Most of my conversations with friends are disjointed, carrying over day after day as I continue to forget that messages on my phone exist. I also got really comfortable with only responding to texts on my computer that now every time I try to respond on my phone I just sort of give up if I have to type more than like, one sentence. Shall I add laziness to my list of flaws?

My communication issues aren't just digitally either. It doesn't come down to whether or not I'm a good conversationalist. In general, I can talk to most people about whatever (the pros to growing up in a family connected to politics). My struggles come in when it comes to, you know, confrontation, telling people how I actually feel, getting into the deep-rooted issues. So you know, ~ serious ~ conversations. Yeah, that's a no go for me, which probably isn't all that healthy for a 23-year-old.

I think my lack of communication skills at a super personal level and fear of confrontation is also the reason why I'm a Class A Ghoster. That's right, fellas. If I'm not feeling it, I'm not going to tell you. I'm just going to continue to ignore you until you finally give up. Maybe I'll unmatch you but if you were lucky enough to get my number, I might just end up blocking you. Am I seeing your "hey, it's been a while" texts? The world may never know! *wink wink*

I joke about it a lot but I'm not actually that proud of it. I just don't know how to properly be like "hey, I'm not into this" so ignoring the problem until it goes away really just seems like the way to go in my head. This is a problematic mindset that's going to no doubt screw me over one of these days, but I've yet to reap the consequences of my ghosting adventures and fear the day when karma finally bites me in the ass (because it will, oh it will).

I'm just capping this post at three of my biggest flaws because honestly, I could go on and on. I don't do everything right, which is fine because I'm still a work in progress and will forever be. Self-deprecation, to me, is hilarious. I love it, I live for it, but I also can't help but wonder (fuck, am I Carrie Bradshaw?) if it's...not good for me to do it all of the time. Like, am I taking it too far? Or is it still just lighthearted? I don't think I believe it but I also still have like self-esteem issues and stuff (that shit doesn't leave you after your teen years, my friends) and probably subconsciously am not helping the cause. 

Or maybe it's not that deep, I don't know guys. Using my brain is hard when I'm not spending all day thinking about Niall Horan and Shawn Mendes. 

Sweater: Idk it was my dad's and then my mom's from like one thousand years ago

Jeans: Levi's via Beacon's Closet

Shoes: Steve Madden

Purse: Zara

Hat: Epoch

Photos by Emily Polner