Admitting My Greatest Weakness

I had 75% of a post-pre-written that I planned on using this morning. I proceeded to read it over again, for probably the tenth time since I've written it and...decided to scrap it. For someone who writes a majority of her pieces the night before or the morning of, I've somehow decided that the pieces I've taken the time to carefully pre-write and edit are garbage. This isn't super uncommon for me. I've given myself the pet name of Trash (or, as my birthday hashtag suggested #Trashcesca). I usually think a majority of the things I do aren't great. And while that might be true of some of the things I've created (I tend to waste precious free time on doing stupid things just to get a laugh), there's no way I've spent the last 23 years creating only garbage. 

I joke that the reason I struggle to realize that things I do aren't terrible due to the fact that I've neatly packaged all of my teenage insecurity into a tote bag and have been dragging it around for years since, tossing in all of the other societal pressures of just existing as a woman in this day and age and continuing on my path of trying to figure shit out. It's great, really. Even in an interview, I listed off self-doubt as my greatest weakness, which is basically true even if my greatest weakness is actually a new photoshoot of Shawn Mendes releasing without my knowledge where he's wearing a t-shirt and flexing ever-so-slightly. 

The nice thing is that I don't necessarily struggle to list off strengths, which is dope I guess? But that whole little self-doubt thing (which really isn't that little) becomes incredibly apparent after it's pointed out. Or rather, called out by myself.

You can see it in the way I word emails, my messages to my boss and co-workers, my explanations about things that I had previously felt confident about. There's always a lot of apologies sprinkled in for no reason, "I'm not sure" makes a lot of appearances, and there's always two times more details than are necessary. You can see it in the way I keep on-going lists of ideas that never see the light of day unless I get a spurt of adrenaline every few weeks where I feel like I've garnered up enough confidence to release a few. You can see it in the way I like things to be checked along the way before I post. I don't necessarily thrive off of validation, but am I completely against it? Absolutely not. 

Most of the time I don't realize I'm doing this, which might make it worse in some ways. It's just naturally ingrained into my mind and personality that this is the way I should exist. Am I a fan of constantly checking myself, my posture, what I'm saying, what I'm not saying, my entire existence? Not particularly. Do I think it's necessary sometimes to keep ourselves in line? Fo'sho. Check yourself before you wreck yourself. 

I don't want to stop thinking about what I'm doing entirely. Self-reflection is cool and nice and I'm a big fan of it. But I feel like it's a slippery slope between self-reflection and constant self-doubt, those moments where you spend three hours after you said something thinking about said something and dwelling on it. I'm still thinking about things I said in an interview last week and face-palming. 

I don't really have any answers for this post. No tips on how to crush the self-doubt in your head. Nothing about how to be more confident and believe in yourself more. I don't think it really relies on age. I've met incredibly confident teenagers and grown-ass adults riddled with self-doubt. It depends on the person, sure, but I can only assume it comes with practice, shifting your attitude, believing in what you're saying for once, speaking unapologetically (within reason and without being a dick, ya know), avoiding adding on those extra sentences when you don't know whether your thought is complete, choosing your words better and not apologizing for just existing...

I don't know though, man. I don't know, but I guess we shall see!

Sweater: H&M

Skirt: ASOS

Coat: Forever21

Purse: Rebecca Minkoff

Shoes: Sam & Libby

Hat: Epoch

Lipstick: Too Faced 'Lady Balls'