Why Am I Constantly Sorry?

I'm sorry I look like crap today!

I'm sorry my hair is so gross, I didn't have time to fix it!

I'm sorry that I'm not talkative, I'm just tired. 

I'm sorry I'm distracted, my head is just all over the place right now!

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The drafts section of my blog is a graveyard of posts that I couldn't formulate my perfect thoughts on at the time, posts that may or may not see the light of day. I've had this post drafted for a while, sitting patiently in that folder of "maybes" for me to finally know everything that I want to say about it. 

I'd say statistically, I apologize for something every hour that I'm around people. At least once an hour, I say that I'm sorry for something that I most certainly don't need to be sorry about. I apologize for my appearance, for my voice when I talk too fast or mumble, for something that happened to someone else. It's my version of "like" or "um" and I use it so liberally that I find it worthy to write a blog post about.

Most of the time, I don't even know what I'm apologizing for. The words slip so easily out of my mouth that you would think that those were my first words and that I was insanely attached to them. It's like I constantly feel the need to apologize for my behavior incase it's somehow offended someone, as if my unruly hair or slightly wonky eyeliner is really going to affect someone's day. And even if it did, is that my issue? Not really!

I know it comes from a place of insecurity. I've always had a chronic fear of disappointment, despite never being pressured to be the best, to look the best, to act the best. It's a fear I created within myself because, well, I don't know. In my head "I'm sorry" is my go to way to wean off disappointment, or whatever. Half of the time, I don't even know why I'm saying it, but the words come out before I know what I'm doing.

This is all in reference to apologizing for things that I shouldn't be apologizing for. Obviously, if I run into somebody on accident, sorry is the appropriate response. If a friend is telling me something about a personal issue, apologizing can be a kind way to show you're listening and that you understand. But there's no reason I should be apologizing for my appearance or for something that I've said when there was nothing wrong with it.

I've found that a lot of my friends do the same thing and after a little scour on the internet, it appears that it's something that women in general do, especially more often than men. The discourse on this could go on for ages, but it must come down to having different thresholds of what warrants and apology and what does not. I happen to have an extremely low threshold, deep down into the earth's core. It wouldn't surprise me if I apologized for global warming someday.

Despite not being my on my goals for 2017, I think that an additional task should be tacked onto the end: stop apologizing for everything and anything. Every time I apologize for something that doesn't warrant one, I feel like I feed more into my insecurities and set myself ten steps backwards with any progress that I've made. Let's see how this goes...