A Moment of Silence...Please?

It's been stressful times around these parts for reasons that I can't really explain right now and don't know if I will be able to ever. I mean, when am I not stressed out though? This stress is a little bit different...but I digress, that's not really all that relevant because I have to be vague and don't want to rant. What am I saying? Sorry, it's early, I haven't had my coffee, and I just cried one too many times watching This Is Us this morning. Truth be told, I was sitting on my couch with my roommate last night wondering what I was going to talk about today. Some days I have actual ideas, some days I don't and that's how posts like this happen.

I had this post drafted as 'Who Knows?' up until about five minutes ago when I remembered Saturday night. Now, Saturday afternoon I was at Ipsy Gen Beauty and Ubered back because the L Train is currently not running on the weekends and I really didn't want to have an hour and a half long trip to the Javits Center. However, one thing to know about me is that I get motion sick in the backseat of cars. Short trips? I can handle. Over half an hour in stop and go traffic? A disaster.

So, I was feeling a little queasy when I got home. I was alone, I didn't really feel like doing anything (like most weekends), and I just needed some time. So I changed into my pajamas, ate a little bit of dinner, and wrapped myself under my second comforter with my laptop to be sad and watch P.S. I Love You. After the movie finished, I made myself some mint tea to soothe my stomach (didn't work, I tried to sleep off the nausea but I ended up vomiting the next morning #rip) and just sort of...sat there. In my bed. With my tea. In silence.

Quiet usually kind of freaks me out. I always have music playing. I have my headphones in on the train, while I'm walking, at work. I have music or a TV show on when I'm at the apartment. I like silence when I sleep, but every other time of the day? Gimme some noise, any noise. Hell, even my alarm is music ("Slow Hands" by Niall Horan, y'allllll). I'm surrounded by noise at all times.

Even if I don't have headphones, there are always cars and horns and people talking and people singing on the subway platforms. If you need quiet, New York City isn't really the place for you. But sometimes, no matter how much hustle and bustle and noise you think you need to thrive...those moments of silence need to happen. And for me? They probably need to happen more often.

It's easy to drown yourself in whatever issues you're having and bury yourself in stress. Been there, done that, continue to do that, I'm bored of it. I always ask myself "what's the point?" and then continue to do it, so I'm clearly very kind to myself and listen to my body's cues and take my own moments of self-awareness seriously! 

I'm always frustrated by those people who acknowledge that they're doing things wrong but then don't do anything to change it but like, maybe I'm one of those people? *shudders* Things to work on, things to work on. Our lives are a constant work in progress. I just happen to be a selective procrastinator, usually when it comes to things that are about me and only benefit me.

Assignments? Done, I'll finish those eons before they're due. Blog posts about me written by me essentially for me (and you lovely readers who happened to stumble upon in)? Well, as you can see, I'm writing this the morning it goes live, so...I'd call that procrastination at its finest, what do you think?

I took a moment of silence for myself and gave myself a moment of clarity to just...not..think. About anything. I've been harboring all of this stress and these ~feelings~ that I think I never quite learned how to deal with and even during quiet times my thoughts run wild and if you've ever met me in person, you know that I talk loud so imagine what it sounds like in my head. I had a second to just drink my tea and breathe and sit down and...dare I say it, relax. That word is not typically in my vocabulary so perhaps I need to spend more nights alone not trying to fill my time and space with noise and clutter to avoid the one thing that I probably need the most.

Shirt: Zara

Jeans: Old Navy

Boots: Public Desire via ASOS

Sunglasses: Forever 21

Purse: Rebecca Minkoff via Cleveland Consignment Shoppe

Belt: Stolen from my brother who stole it from his college roommate

I feel like I haven't included a blooper shot in a while (trust me, for every ten photos I choose, there are about 200 unusable photos that get the boot), so why not bring one bag while I try to hold my bag in a very obscure way. When in doubt, turn your crossbody clutch bag into an over the shoulder bag to literally show it over your shoulder dramatically and then become unable to sort out the situation with your arms so it just becomes a tangled mess.

Photos by Austen Tosone